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All material copyright Stuart & Linda Macfarlane

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Bylaws for men and women.

Men are permitted to:-

• Use their mirrors to check out any sexy chick behind them.

• Overtake anything that moves.

• Wait until the last drip of petrol hits the carburettor before filling up the tank.

• Feel road rage if anyone dares attempt to overtake them.

• Blast rock music at 120dB to entertain everyone within a two-mile radius.

Women are permitted to:-

• Install full-length mirrors so they can check themselves every five minutes.

• Park on the sidewalk to window shop if it’s wet or windy

• Fill up with petrol at every third garage – just in case.

• Feel road rage before they even get into the car – at certain times of the month.

• Block the road to chat to a friend on the sidewalk.

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Stopping your car.

It is vital that you are able to stop your car otherwise getting out can be very dangerous. But stopping is not just a matter of slamming your foot on the brake and hoping for the best - there is much to be considered.

Remember – three factors affect stopping distance.

Speed : Stopping distance is proportional to speed. When travelling backwards therefore it is possible to stop before you actually start.

Road Conditions : A covering of ice, water or hedgehogs increases your car’s stopping distance.

Music : Loud music on the radio can double your stopping distance.

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For safe stopping:

Never slam on the brakes except in emergencies such as suddenly seeing a ‘SALE’ sign in a shop window. Allow the car to slow gradually and gently.

Here’s how it’s done :

1. Check mirror
2. Signal if necessary
3. Remove foot from accelerator
4. Gently push on the brake pedal
5. Just as the car stops press on the clutch pedal
6. Restart the engine!!

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How to overtake a moving vehicle.

Overtaking is the most dangerous manoeuvres of all. It is therefore vital that you learn the rules and apply them carefully.

Never overtake a vehicle unless it is travelling more slowly than you wish to travel. Find a safe place to overtake (a large empty car park is ideal – but if there is none around choose a quiet stretch of road)

Never overtake :

• While still in your garage.
• When doing so would necessitate crashing into an oncoming vehicle. (this is the most frequently ignored rule of all)
• Near a school – there’s often an ice cream van parked there and you’ll probably want to stop and buy one.
• If there’s an ‘Absolutely, definitely, totally no overtaking’ sign.

• If your spouse tells you not to.

• If there are no vehicles in front of you.

Learner drivers should practise by overtaking stationary vehicles. Only when they have perfected this without causing any major dents or scrapes should they progress to moving ones.

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Hazard Warning Lights

Hazard lights are particularly valuable to the advanced driver as they have numerous uses:-

• They allow you to park wherever you wish.
• Used in conjunction with hand gestures they politely indicate to other drivers that you are displeased at their lack of consideration
• They let you show that you intend turning but haven’t yet made up your mind whether to turn left or right.
• When connected to your radio they make excellent disco lights to accompany your music.