What is the Internet?
The Internet is a Global network which brings directly into your family home an enormous and fantastic collection of pornography, propaganda and subversive material. Plus, of course, a trillion individuals and companies all desperately trying to sell you their wares. Amidst all this sleaze and shady dealing are the cutesy websites created by bored middle aged ladies featuring pictures and stories about their cats and grandchildren. Sadly this whole bizarre and lurid techno~social folly is completely compulsive and unless you wish to be a social outcast is quite inescapable.
Why you must get connected
* You can send emails to total strangers on the other side of the world.
* You can meet fantastically exiting and interesting people who do absolutely nothing but surf the web.
* You can scour the world for bargains then spend a fortune on international postage.
* You will receive junk emails from thousands of lonely, desperate people.
* You can download mountains of obsolete software and in the process infect your computer with the latest, deadly virus.
* You will discover, through the power of email spaming, that half the world wants to include you in their plans to become a millionaire in just ten days.
* Your pizza delivery business won't survive unless six billion totally disinterested people can access its website.
* You are the onlyperson in the world who' s not already connected!!!!!!
Getting Started
Going on-line is so simple - all you need is :-
* a computer
* a modem
* an Internet Service Provider (ISP)
* a masters degree to help you decide which computer, modem and ISP to choose.
Before you were trapped in the Web
* It took days to send letters so you only sent one if you had something important to say. Now it takes seconds so you often send trivia to people you barely know
* You enjoyed browsing around bookshops. Now you buy on the net but are too busy surfing to ever read.
* You went to clubs and parties and met all sorts of weird and wonderful people. Now you have global friends but can never be sure if that flirtatious supermodel is actually the moronic nerd from next door.
* You slept at night. Now you stay up to bid in online auctions and watch others sleep on live Webcams.
* You had a LIFE.
Laws of the Internet
* Your 'Favorites' list will become so large it will be quicker to conduct a new Search than to use it.
* Your computer will crash just as you are about to save that long thought out email.
* Every Search will give over a thousand results - the only one of interest will always be last.
* Your best loved site will have inexplicably vanished the next time you try to access it.
* Junk mail will always reach you but important emails will get lost.
* Inevitably you will forget to turn the Webcam off before undressing for bed and wake up to find you have become a world-wide porn star.
* No matter how clever your HTML keywords search engines will always place your competitors before you
New jokes and humour will be added to this site SOON - meantime please Bookmark and return - THANKS
Send your jokes to JustJoking@DotComScotland.co.uk
Other joke pages ::-
The Alternative Driving Manual
Kids Rule!!
Internet Guide
