Copyright : Stuart & Linda Macfarlane
Excuses : Remember – there’s a perfect excuse for absolutely every occasion.
For not having done your homework
A spy took it thinking it was a top secret document.
The dog ate it – I’ve no idea how it got torn up and mixed in with her food.
My doctor says I’m allergic to homework.
On the way to school an eagle swooped down and grabbed it.
Burglars broke into my house during the night and stole it - amazingly it was the only thing they took.
For Coming Home Late
I forgot where we live.
I had to take some aliens to my leader.
I got trapped in a time warp.
When you said ‘be home by 10 o’clock’ you didn’t say morning or night.
I took the wrong turn and ended up in another continent.
I lost my memory and spent hours searching for it.
How to tell if that cool boy fancies you:
He calls you nasty horrible names.
He always pulls your hair.
He puts spiders in your lunch box then acts like a hero by rescuing you from them.
He blushes dreadfully whenever you look at him.
Even though you’ve said, ‘no’ a thousand times he continually asks, ‘Do you fancy me?’
He buys you a Valentine card but is too shy to send it.
How to tell if that cool girl fancies you:
She writes her name and phone number all over your school books.
She tells all her friends she hates you.
She sends herself love messages and pretends they are from you.
She leaves soppy love poems on your desk.
She likes it when you call her nasty, horribly names.
She gets her big brother to persuade you to go on a date with her.
Simple steps to fabulous school reports
Having spent all year playing the fool and neglecting your studies a few last minute preparations are needed to ensure your end of year report makes a big impression on your parents. (Good impression that is!)
Each morning take your teacher a little present of flowers – you should be able to find plenty growing in gardens close to the school. This will make her ‘warm’ to you and only write nice things.
Try to look as if you are interested during lessons. Nod a lot to make her think you’re listening. Occasionally even offer to answer one of her pointless, moronic questions.
Copy the class swot’s answers to make it look as if you’ve suddenly become smart.
If all else fails resort to one of the following:
Plan a) Photocopy the class brainbox’s report and change her name to yours.
Plan b) Lose your report in a tornado.
Plan c) Emigrate before your parents see your report.
Con your parents:
The whole secret of getting what you want is to make your parents feel horribly guilty. For example:
Want a pet? : Tell your parents you’re really lonely and plead for baby brother or sister – they will quickly give you anything, from a mouse to a crocodile, to keep you quiet.
Want a computer? : This is an easy – you only need to explain that without one you are seriously educationally disadvantaged. Insist that your success in life depends on having access to the internet.
Want more pocket money? : Never directly ask for more – it’s best to make them feel inadequate by talking about how much your friends get.
To get designer label clothes: Insist that they are now part of the school uniform.
Bedroom Blues
If all else fails and you are forced to tidy your room there are a number of ways in which to make the task less painful :
Blackmail your little sister into doing it.
Clean the entire room in a frantic 60 seconds blitz.
Move all your mess into your sister’s room.
Stuff everything under the bed – even if it ends up twenty inches off the floor.
Hire a bulldozer.
Foolish thing parents say and how to reply – honesty isn’t always the best policy.
Mum: ‘Why haven’t you eaten your lovely cabbage?’
What you’d like to say:
‘I would rather be force fed squidgy worms topped with cow dung than eat this vile, slimy stodge.’
What you should say:
‘I would love to but I come out in spots whenever I eat cabbage.’
Dad: ‘Don’t you think it’s time you went to bed?’
‘Actually I was planning to watch the late night ‘Adult movie’ while having a few beers – just like you.’
‘Yes, you’re right dad, a young lad like me needs all the sleep he can get. I’ll go as soon as I finish my homework.’
Chores No More
Effective ways of ensuring you’ll never be asked to do tedious household chores ever again.
Washing Dishes : Let the family’s expensive crystal glasses accidentally slip through your fingers and smash onto the floor.
Emptying the Trash: Tip it over the best flowerbed in the garden. Stomp in it. Then leave a messy trail through the house. (Tipping it over your sister also works well!)
Vacuuming the carpets. Suck up your mum’s cherished pet canary.
Shopping : Smash eggs, break bottles, squash tomatoes and always buy little extras for yourself.
New jokes and humour will be added to this site SOON - meantime please Bookmark and return - THANKS
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